Do not work for food that perishes but for the food that endures for eternal life

Today's Gospel focuses on setting our sights on Christ, believing in him whole heartedly and trusting in God's divine providence. This is definitely something that is not for the weak or faint of heart. Over the past several years I have been tested on my level of trust in God, and sadly I know I still have a long ways to go to completely trust him.

As I was at morning Mass, I kept hearing myself offering petitions of prayer instead of praise. I heard so clearly my lack of trust by continually praying for this need or that need that I didn't stop to say "Thank you" for the small things. As I write, I still am struggling to get beyond my needs, wants, and desires and how God can fulfill those. I still find myself saying "yes, but...." instead of giving in to the notion of trust, and unconditional praise.

God gives us eternal food if we believe in him and whole heartedly trust in him. Each step along this cross filled journey has shown me that I can and should trust, yet I have the same lack of trust as when I began. Every now and then I get a glimpse of what it is I should be doing, and somehow manage to revert back to my comfortable ways.

I know that with more prayer, contemplation, and praise I can obtain all things through God. A prayerful heart, a praising tongue, and a patient mind, nourishes the soul.

The Lens with which we see

It has been quite a while since I blogged. I seem to not be on the computer for pleasure as much since I do so much of it at work. In a way it's a good thing because I am more drawn to the family when I am home, but I long to be able to sit and write reflections of what is going on in my daily life.

Over this past week I had the privilege of attending a business conference in none other, Sin City. I arrived by myself on Sunday evening to attend a 10 hour long "conference" session on Monday. Waking up earlier than usual I made my way to the conference center to start sharply at 8 am. We didn't finish until 6 pm and my mind was spinning. Like most conferences that I have attended, I was inspired by the speakers to try new things at work, implement new ideas, and move in a forward direction. Sometimes this momentum isn't always well received especially by from the people it directly affects. After the conference there was a Show that lasted the rest of the week. I was new to this experience and boy was it an experience! Over 60,000 exhibitors, an entire Convention center filled, plus all of the ballrooms at the Venetian. Unbelievable!! At first I was overwhelmed with the amount of people there, and started to doubt if I was going to catch up with my fellow employees who were there attending the Show. Eventually I did and it made for a nice day together.

As I was enjoying some much needed down time, I returned to a book that I started reading around my birthday called "One thousand gifts". The author, Ann Voskamp, has a wonderful way of interweaving her daily life with biblical reflections; reflections of how to achieve joy, peace, eucharisteo as she calls it. My first "ah ha" moment of the book was when she pointed out that eucharisteo always precedes the miracle. She emphasized this point as she recalls Christ at the Last Supper. He broke bread, said thanks, and gave it to his disciples. Afterwards he underwent the Passion, but most importantly the Resurrection; the greatest miracle of all.

So here I am 5 months later and I am still reading this book. The latest chapter discusses the need to constantly adjust our lens of which we choose to see. We can choose to see the bleak, the dark, the despair or we can choose to see God holding us through it all; the butterfly that passes by when we least expect it; the laughter in our oldest son's belly as we engage in an all out tickle war. The lens with which we see things affects so much of us. It affects our attitudes, our relationships (with God and one another), and even our behaviors. It reminded me that life's events have a way of warping our lens and the need for constant adjustments.

As I continue on this journey of lens adjustments, I know that I will need to continue to focus on the smaller, less significant things that otherwise previously may not have mattered much to me.

Reflections of Faith

This evening I attended a workshop to help prepare me for the new revisions in the missal. It was a good experience and brought back to me the essence of why I am Catholic. I am Catholic because of the Eucharist, receiving Christ fully NOT only in the Word but in the Body. I am physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally fed when attending the Celebration of the Eucharist. I also realized that without sacrifice there can be no thanksgiving. It is kind of a deep philosophical thought to think of it that way, but oddly so true.

How many times do people say how thankful they are for a soldier's sacrifice? Or how many times do we say we are thankful for the sacrifices of others so we many have comfort? I keep thinking of St. Francis' prayer that says, "it is in giving that we receive, and in dying that we are born to eternal life." I remember learning the concept of "dying to self" in high school by my Religion Teacher, Mrs. Ranck. She used the Greek term called "Metanoia". It was a fascinating concept to me even then in my youth and immaturity. I can honestly say I am still fascinated by this concept and still need to practice it.

Often I am consumed by distractions albeit whether it is thoughts or feelings; they tend to divert me away from spiritual growth and maturity. I used to think my family was the reason why my faith had lessened; in actuality, it is my family that has allowed me the opportunity to grow in faith if I should chose. I am continually granted opportunities everyday to view things as blessings or curses; opportunities for growth, or reasons to sin, etc.

Some days I still struggle with seeing the experiences of my past as blessings or things that have brought me closer to God. I don't know why I focus on the negative or the hurtful feelings that surround those experiences but alas, I can be freed! I am freed when I offer my sacrifice over to God as Jesus did on the Cross. I am fed when I accept his Precious Body and Blood completely within me though humbling saying "I am not even worthy for you to enter under my roof." Listening to the changes tonight reminded me how much I love my faith, and how much I still remember it, even if I just attend once a week. It definitely stirs up in me a longing to spend more time with our Lord and to stop using my family as a reason to avoid it.

Sometimes it seems like I am living a movie

It seems as of lately like I am living in a movie. I seem to see things as if I were watching them, rather then living them. I look to the past and seem to connect on the level as if I am watching a movie; I look to the present and feel very much the same way. I don't know when this occurrence took place and have no idea when it will change.

Life overall is good, nothing too troubling to complain about. It has been more stressful then I would like, and filled with way to many things going on yet so little in comparison to what I "normally" do. I feel guilty for not having the boys in art lessons yet, music lessons, and a sports/physical fitness program for M. But overall, I just don't know where I can squeeze another thing in. Another homeschool Mom told me the other day of a martial arts class that is during the day for homeschoolers. At first I wanted to sign the boys up. But after thinking about it, I need that school time with them, and really could benefit from a little less distraction then what we already have.

I am back to making my two week schedule of events. I leave plenty of space in the boxes to add more things with pen or pencil. I never would have imagined my life to be like this, and yet at the same time looking back how else could it not have? I was an overly busy child, so why wouldn't I be a busy adult? I know we have choices and we can choose to stop the roller coaster at anytime, I am just not sure when I want to get off or IF I want to get off? That is the question.

Here's to pondering on the simplicity of life, and what it would be like to not be so busy!

A Beautiful Day

Today six years ago, I gave birth by way of Emergency C-section to my second child. It was a traumatic event for both of us but we both survived. He is such an amazing little boy and is becoming a young man. He is kind and loving especially to his sister and Mother, and has a great sense of humor. His laugh is infectious, and he is a good sport. He is sensitive to others feelings and needs. He knows when I need help and when I need a hug. I love how affectionate he is, and he gives the best hugs!

Here's to a beautiful day celebrating you, Dr. Destructo!!! I am enjoying watching you grow, and learn, and become the very best person you can be. We love you very much!!

God speaking to me through blogs

It has been almost 3 years of blogging and I still have so much to learn. I've found some remarkable and truly inspirational blogs over the course of these past years and found God speaking to me through them. This latest blog post came from Rick Thomas on "pre-forgiveness." It was such an interesting topic, and one that I felt convicted to read since forgiveness is at the core of our Christian faith and one which I grapple with.

The idea of pre-forgiveness is not to forgive the sinner, but instead make things right with God. Usually when we feel slighted, offended, hurt, etc. we focus that pain and hurt on the offender. Instead, Mr. Thomas suggests to make it right with God before addressing the offender. If you are still hurt when addressing the offender then you haven't forgiven them. Indeed a perplexing issue. A part of me has such sadness over some of life's circumstances and when I read over that it reminded me that though my focus and hurt was on the perceived offender, it should really be focused in prayer to God. Mr. Thomas reminded me of the story of Joseph and his brothers and came away with some key aspects of why Joseph was able to reconcile with his brothers. First, he reminded his brothers that what they meant to do to him was to harm and was evil; Second, God doesn't mean to do harm or is evil; third, God's love and good trumps their attempt at evil. Finally the other key thing that I had grappled over and over with was the idea of reconciliation. Sometimes you can't be reconciled. Now in my particular circumstance perhaps not, though in reality the issues behind the need of pre-forgiveness are minor compared to what others were sharing on that blog. Knowing that there are way bigger issues that my perceived hurts was a reminder to me how much I hold onto my own hurts and desires. So I think I finally found my "key" to pre-forgiveness.......being able to see the Grace of God at hand with the circumstances that I am faced with, no longer harboring hurt and sadness towards a perceived offender, and moving on since the offender has no ownership of wrongdoing. In this way I know I am more at peace with life's circumstances and can work towards a more harmonious relationship with my God. I can truly now focus my attention and praise towards all of the graces I have received from this experience and continued experiences, knowing that though harm may have been attempted my God trumps all evil and means for good. I guess it's the epitome phrase of: is the glass half empty or half full? kind of attitude. I choose to see the glass half full. Hopefully tomorrow I can say the same.

Getting Down to Business

So here it is 10 days into the new school year and I am starting to feel a little relieved. Most teachers (and I am sure homeschoolers alike) probably planned, drawn up, had a idea of how they were going to set up their classroom. Unfortunately, I was not this prepared this school year. I had a lot of anxiety about schooling two boys on different levels with different curriculums, and how everything would fall into place. I remember feeling this way when I taught at the public school not knowing what my class would be comprised of, how many students would I have, their different ability levels, etc. For some reason though, I was more at peace with the uneasiness. I think I become uneasy because as "the Mom" I am supposed to have all of the answers, have a gameplan, know what to do in every situation, and be at ease with how to handle it. Homeschooling is definitely a humbling venture in the sense that I don't always know what I am doing, have a definite plan of what to do, how to handle life's situations, and experiencing differences in the children.

What is stretching me the most is rediscovering the differences in my children and how to make them grow with those differences. J is the oldest and we were able to forge a path last year on what it is like to homeschool; my expectations; having a set routine; and working dependently and independently. M is just starting this year and is at a lower grade level then when I schooled J. M is just starting kindergartenl and though he has a year of maturity on J from when he started kindergarten, I wonder about his developmental level and where he will be by the end of the school year. M is not familiar with my expectations; my set routine; and being in kindergarten requires A LOT more direct instruction which frankly I was ill prepared for. So over this past week, I found myself spending 2/3 of my time if not more with M than with J. J became resentful of this attention and started "requiring" me to spend more time with him either from his behavior, melt-downs, or "I don't know how to do this" statements....something I NEVER heard last year when I was just schooling him.

So over this past week, a few things have come together to help me in the homeschooling quest: First, F is in preschool now in the mornings. I am excited about the prospect of not having to entertain her as well as the boys and can focus on working with them one on one with my Mom co-teaching with me. What a gift it is to have her! Second, I was finally able to order the remaining curriculum that I had wanted from Catholic Heritage Curricula and feel more at peace knowing J will have a set spellling unit, grammar, language arts, and religion program. Third, J's laptop computer that we received through our charter arrived and has been set-up. J will be able to start his online Math program, and his online reading program to enhance what I am doing at home.

I started with a fair amount of doubts this school year not knowing if I was doing the "right" thing, and now feel more at peace with my decision. I take homeschooling one year at a time, and know that for this year it is the "right" decision for us. I am excited to see how much the kiddos will learn over the course of this year and can't wait to see their end of school results.