To do or not to do

So it has been awhile since I have posted anything and I am definitely due for a post. I seem to have fallen into watching everyone else's life go by and waiting for mine to happen. Don't get me wrong, I am quite busy and manage to do alot of "things". I don't how much of it substance, though. It is easy to compare what one person does or does not do or what one family does and does not do and think of ALL of the many things that I want to do. Some of the things are practical things that I can be doing but for whatever reason don't, and some just aren't realistic. It is not realistic for me to fly off to Dublin for a birthday party and swing by Tokoyo for Thanksgiving. It is not realistic for me (at the moment) to be able to spend 5 hours a day "training" for my next marathon while working on my Pilates or adding P90X into my daily regimen. It is not realistic for me to get my Master's degree while having a young family.

What has always been hard for me to accept is I can't have it all. I can have some things but not all things at least not all things at the same time. I guess you can say, "it's not my season." So I am left with the quandry of what can I have? Where do I begin sorting of what to strive for and what not to strive for? In essence, what do I cross off my list first, second, third, fourth, etc. to where I can finally have a clear-cut direction as to what I want to do.

I have focused on building my husband up and supporting his goals and aspirations which would greatly help us out as a family. I do believe my role as a wife is to do this. I am in no way resentful of putting my efforts towards that goal. But now that he has finished his Master's where do I go from here?

I know one personal goal of mine would be to see him back in the Armed Forces. At one point in time, I would have never thought that I would say that. I was completely against him going back into the Armed Forces and remember clearly telling him, "I'm not an Army wife." Over the past 10 years of being with this extraordinary man, there is one thing I have learned. He is a warrior, he is a protector, and he is loyal. All of these qualities you will find in a great soldier. I know having him see this goal through will help him answer a lot of unanswered questions and doubts that he had before. I just hope this is something that we can see through together and can accomplish within a reasonable amount of time.

So for now I will focus on getting him "Guard Ready" and to train with him whenever we can. It is hard to train when you work 17 hour days 3-4 times a week and the regular 8 hour shift the remaining days of the week.

So in a sense, I guess I am wanting too many things at once yet again. I want to be able to spend the time to get in shape, and yet I want to get financial independence at the same time. I am a classic overachiever. God be with us as we venture onto these next two goals!

Redemption is more than recycling

Whenever I hear the word "redemption" I think of the CA redemption value of my bottled water or my soda pop that I bought at the store. Rarely do I think of it in terms of "eternal redemption." Yesterday as I was listening to Catholic radio, I heard the speaker say these haunting words, "What God permits he can redeem." This is especially a good one to remember seeing how I have been having a hard time wrapping my mind around the old adage, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Upon hearing this new concept (yet a very old one) of redemption it finally clicked for me.

Yes we suffer, yes bad things happen to good people all of the time. Somehow the experience of this has past me by or I was oblivious to it until now. Another way that I handled it was that I would rationalize why bad things would happen. I would think to myself, oh that happened because of this reason and somehow I could rationalize why this "bad" thing was happening.

In the most recent cases of experiencing, why bad things happen to good people I had no rationalization. I couldn't point to a specific reason as to why a young vibrant woman would get stage 4 breast cancer; or why I would lose a baby when I had never miscarried before. All I knew was that I was mad. I was mad at the event, mad at God "letting it happen", and mad for not fixing it on my time table. After all, he should listen to me! The absurdity of it all. I did have to break out in a laugh most recently when I was driving home. I was talking to God and I was angry. I made some ultimatiums with God and thought to myself, "if it doesn't work with your husband, do you honestly think it is going to work with God?" And of course I knew the answer was "No." So I had to back track and think to myself what is the reason? What is the purpose in all of this?

My beloved husband reminded me, this is what saints are made of. Saints are able to turn life's difficulties and offer it up, sacrifice, humble themselves, open themselves completely to the will of God, and not complain while doing it. They praise God and rejoice in knowing they are loved and supported when society (aka the devil) would tell you the exact opposite. It is during these trials and tribulations no matter how small or large that we are called to holiness. I can honestly say I feel like I know someone right now growing in holiness. She is an example to me and everyone that knows her what it means to be called to become a saint.

Thank you God for giving us redemption in our suffering, knowing that it is not done in vain but done to help those around us grow in holiness. Thank you for the people, and the events that you brought into my life. I pray that I will continue to grow as a child of God knowing that everything, yes everything has redemption in your Holy Name!

Weighed Down by Life and its circumstances

Ok, so at this time of year people should be feeling warm and fuzzy, having some apple cider, sitting by a nice fire and smiling. At least that is what the commericals on television like to show us. At the moment I am not feeling all warm and fuzzy. I am tired, worn down like a rock who has been in the ocean too long and is worn. My rough edges have softened, my vibrant color has turned to a dull gray, and I am moving forward and backwards as the waves come in and out against the shore.

No, my life overall isn't that bad. What am I complaining about? Sure we all have "our crosses" to bear and by no means would I want to give my cross up to try on someone else's. I just get tired some days of carrying this cross. Sometimes I wish my cross came organized in a nice bundle where I could exactly pinpoint what it is. Most days it is a conglomeration of everything, i.e. finances, kids, work (or lack there of), health, etc.

Recently, we lost our fourth child. We were waiting to tell our family at Christmas time about our newest addition and now we won't be able to have that opportunity. Both my husband and I are still in shock about this experience and are not sure if things are back to normal, whatever normal was before. We have never experienced a miscarriage before so we are not sure what to look for, what to do and not do, and how to handle it all.

Within a few days of starting to miscarry, I find out a friend of mine has advanced breast cancer. She is an amazing woman, one in which I revere and highly respect. She is handling this news with such grace and faith it is inspiring to me. I can only hope to one day have that amount of faith and trust. So as I sit here being mad at my "cross" I think of how she must be doing with this most recent news. I realize that though I may be experiencing my own "drama" at the moment, it pales in comparison.

I am trying to be thankful for what God has given me and how much I have grown emotionally and spiritually over the past few years by life's circumstances. I know I would not be the person that I am today and would definitely not be the mother and wife that I am now as well. Sometimes I just wish life didn't have to wear you down in order to build you back up. OK enough complaining......

On a completely different side note....as we were praying tonight and as we said our prayer for Mrs. D, my oldest son said, "Don't worry, she's healed". I stopped dead in my tracks. I asked him, "what do you mean son?" And he replied, "The sisters already told me she was healed." Perhaps there is another Mrs. D out there, but for now I will take that as a good sign! I know with faith and the power of prayer we can move mountains. So I entrust my whole heart and being into prayer for healing, guidance, and divine providence to shed his light upon us as we are weighed down by life's circumstances. That through our suffering and daily sacrifices we may help one another even if it is just a little wearing of a once sharpened rock.

Back "Home"

Well I made a whirlwind trip down to good ole' Lancaster this past weekend. It was great to see family, my nephews, and of course my Mom. But man is the drive LONG! Especially when making the drive by yourself with 3 little children. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable when I travel without Mark and I have the kids. I am super vigilant of anyone paying too close attention to us, especially "sketchy" people. Of course, after working in a prison you start to think everyone looks "sketchy."

I arrived Friday night and where was the first place I stopped, Gino's. Gino's is my home away from home. It seems like all of life's most memorable events have taken place there. We have celebrated there on many occasions, and when I was in high school, that was my first job. I have the menu memorized and know the cooks personally. What's even better, is when they personally greet us when we get there. I don't think my Mom frequents there unless I am in town. We usually like to share one of their delicious Barons but this time I opted for their appetizing and mouth watering Gnocchi. Yummy!! Oh the garlic is has!! Good thing Mark wasn't able to make the trip. I wouldn't have been able to kiss him for 2 days. LOL After our wonderful dinner at Gino's I made a quick errand and it was already time for bed.

Now getting to bed is a different story. My in-laws have very nice accomodations for us when we come to visit. The boys have an air mattress in the back bedroom, and Frankie and I have the front bedroom. I like their guest bed but nonetheless it is a "guest" bed. Despite how lopsided out bed is, I am comfortable in it (until it is time to get up in the morning). Trying to sleep somewhere else is hard. I noticed my kids had similar issues. Trying to get them settled down to go to bed proved to be a hard task which wasn't easily won before 9 pm on both nights. My favorite of the weekend was the early morning wake-up calls from Frankie AND Michael. Both days I was up before 5 am and not having gone to sleep until midnight this did not settle well with me. I am by no means a morning person yet was this past weekend. I surely hope I can get some better sleep tonight.

On Saturday, all of the boy cousins got together and played, rough housed, and were boys! They enjoyed climbing the tall play structures at the park, running around, monkeys on the bed, and watching a special movie that Nana had recorded just for them. We got back to our in-laws around 7 pm in time to get ready for bed. Though that night wasn't as difficult to put them to bed it still was later than what I had wanted. So finally they were in bed by 9pm and I was able to stay up until 11pm and talked to Mark for a little bit about our travels. I went to bed around midnight to have Frankie wake me at 4:06 AM. It is moments like this that I wish Mark was with us. He definitely knows how to handle these situations better than me. Of course I put Frankie in bed with me, which meant I didn't get any sleep. She tossed and turned and finally wound up laying across my feet at the edge of the bed. With Frankie at the edge of the bed, there was no way I could sleep becauase I was paranoid about her falling off of the bed. I tried to move her 2x's with unsuccess so I just let her lay the way she was comfortable.

About an hour later, Michael came in and joined us. I was almost asleep when I saw the hallway lights go on. It was 6:36 AM and my oldest, John was now awake looking for the cat to play with. So I started my day quite early, got everyone fed, bathed, packed, and out the door by 9:10 AM in time for Mass. This is quite a feat to accomplish by myself. I felt good being able to do this, and know that if I spent this much time every morning I would get to places on time (assuming I don't fall asleep trying to drive there), and have less stress in the morning.

Bottom line though: I don't know if I am willing to give up my sleep for less chaos in the morning. Because if I don't get enough sleep, then I don't have the patience I need. If I'm not patient then I know I will cause stress, or feel stressed at my lack of patience. As you can see it is a vicious cycle. I admire people who can go to bed before 9 pm and get up at 6 am. I may have to compromise a bit and make changes to my schedule (do I even have a "schedule"?) so that I am less stressed, but have more sleep. Hmm....why can't there be 36 hours in one day? Then I would have the time to do that: sleep more, get up on time, and get everything that I want done, DONE for the day!

Book Giveaway

This book looks interesting and so does her site! Check it out to enter a free book giveaway during the month of October!

http://www.owlhaven.net/2009/10/05/october-family-feasts-giveaway/

Enjoy!!

The Miracle of the Sun

So today is the day of the Miracle of the Sun. Now I will be honest....I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic school, pursued a degree at a Catholic University, and consider myself "somewhat" knowledgable about my faith (Biblical, and doctrinal mostly). However, I have never been one to be a mystic or into the whole "miracle" scene.

As a child, we attended Daily Mass, made First Friday and First Saturday devotions, led the Rosary, and knew all of our prayers. I remember seeing the movie of Fatima and I believe Lourdes but at the time it didn't mean much to me. I remember being inspired by the movies and thought about the possibility of one day becoming a "saint" and then realizing just how "hard and impossible" that seemed. I quickly gave up on that notion.

So today as I was listening to Catholic radio, I heard the story of the Miracle of the Sun. I heard how "miraculous" of a day it is and one to be celebrated. Mind you I was on my way to the post office to find out where my husband's pay check had disappeared to. Upon arriving to the post office, the lobby was the only section open and the front desk wouldn't be open for another 45 minutes. As I read this, I was calm and trying to figure out what to do. Just then, a postal clerk came out of a back room and I asked to speak to our mail carrier to try and figure out this situation.

The mail carrier was still at the office and came to speak to me. He informed me that my mail had been returned to the main distribution center and it would most likely be forwarded to our new address within 4-5 days. Perhaps this is something that would be fine for most people, but for us we "bank" on my husband's paycheck; meaning, we plan our bills, food, utilities, etc. around this and to wait 4-5 MORE days seemed like an eternity. I was upset and disappointed but nonetheless had faith that somehow we would make it through as we have been able to so many times before.

Upon coming home, and telling Mark of the situation, I vowed that I would not complain and would be of good spirits so that my mood wouldn't be contagious. About an hour after I got home, our mail carrier called us and informed us he found our paycheck! God is so good!!!

Now to some this may not seem miraculous, but to us it is!! Knowing that his paycheck is usually received by Thursday, there would be no reason that it could have "missed" being forwarded with all of our other mail. Our mail was put back into distribution on Friday, so I was set to not have our check until this coming Thursday or Friday (thus being a week late).

As I contemplate this change in me, how I can see more miraculous events happening to me, and appreciating them more, I have a theory as to why this shift has taken place. I know when I was younger I didn't appreciate the small things, and only sought out "big and better". I didn't have a concept of what it meant to have "faith like a child" and to be so reliant on the generosity of others around me. I have been so humbled over these past few years and in that humility there is a clarity about my faith, and what's most important in my life. I praise God for this little miracle of today, and for giving me the clarity that I needed in order to see him more clearly and appreciate him so much!

Come Autumn

Well it has been quite a while since I last wrote on this blog. I am up early this morning and usually I wouldn't be so awake right now. Since a little after 6 am I have been up every 1o minutes to tend to my oldest who isn't feeling well. I can do without this part of motherhood, but at the same time I like being there for him. He is quite brave when it comes to his tummy aching and cramping and knows when and how to get to the bathroom (truly a God-sent!). I also feel blessed that his cramping of his tummy waited until 6 am and not come at 3 am!

But with all of this "sickness" comes worry. Who will get sick next? How am I going to disinfect the house to try and prevent it from spreading? What if it is the dreaded the "H1N1" (aka Swine) flu? And then comes the "sympathy" sickness. It is a weird phenomenon and I can't explain it. When my kids get sick, I tend to feel sick right along with them. This isn't a good combination because I am the one that has to help them get better. I am ususally good at putting off my own sickness until after everyone is feeling better. We will see if that works again!

On a different note, I pray that everyone is well to go to the Pumpkin Patch fieldtrip planned for this Thursday at Bishop's. It looks like it will be a lot of fun and definitely worth the trip! So go away flu bugs and come back another day. We want to enjoy this beautiful autumn and get over this dreaded change of season bug!

Hope your family is staying healthy and enjoying this beautiful autumn!

A Thrill of a Weekend

Well it has been too long since I last posted. My mom flew up from So Cal to enjoy Mikey's birthday and we have been enjoying her visit immensely. I find it interesting that she has only been here 2 days and I feel as though we have done more with her in the past 2 days then we did all summer long. I don't know if the lazy summer days got the best of us, or since we had a reason to celebrate we took full advantage of it! Yesterday was a fun day at CEC for Michael's birthday. I think he enjoyed himself immensely and loved wearing his CEC crown. He even wanted to sleep with it! HA :-)

Today, our friends invited us to go to Discovery Kingdom since it was bring a friend for free today. You gotta love those days! So for 5 of us to go to Discovery Kingdom was less than $30. I can't believe it! I am so grateful for good friends, and people who truly care about one another. Our friends are so thoughtful and giving in this way. We had a blast running around the park and the boys are quite tuckered out. Unfortunately, I left the camera in the car but I am hopeful that I will get some copies of pictures taken and can post later!

Hope you had a fun "Labor" day and didn't "labor" too hard, only playing hard is allowed!

Consumed by Vampires?

Well not really. Lately I have been consumed by these Twilight books, once sworn that I had no time to read them, and had much better things to do if I did have the time. Just goes to show you, that with a little "effort" (ok not effort, more like in need of distraction) I have all the time in the world to read through these novels.

I am glad I am not 15 reading these novels and I don't know how these can be for a younger audience. I don't see them as "trashy" or overly soap opera like as you would expect a Danielle Steel book to read. Instead the characters are engaging, their emotions feel real and before you know it you are reeled in for the long adventure. What I think is interesting is the author, Stephenie Meyer, compares the characters to "classical" characters that she has long since memorized such as in Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, Romeo & Juliet, and Gone with the Wind. It was quite interesting to hear her take on comparing such classical characters to her new age approach. I guess character development is the same throughout the centuries, but I would have imagined it differently. Though I do understand the essence of what each character brings to the particular plot of the story and the significance they play in their role.

Very few books have impacted me the way these 2 books have. It has been YEARS (and I mean YEARS) since I have a read a book completely thoroughly like I have these books. I would even venture to read them again. I mostly skim books, and/or read 3/4 and grow tired of it. Something the author says, or the way the plot is moving, and I am done. Finished. Grown tired of. But not with these books.

Twilight series is more than the mythical reality of vampires that would excite most teenagers, mainly teenage girls. And I would venture to say it is more than the romance. You feel attached to these characters in some strange way, like you are right there living in Forks with them. It is an innate talent that Stephenie Meyer has to be able to write in such a manner that you are there with them, experiencing everything moment by moment; hurt with hurt; breathless as breathless. So it builds the anticipation of me reading her third book. However, I would advise to not have teenage girls read these books as it gives a distorted view of a high school romance, of "true love" at the mere age of 16-17, and plants the seed for questioning "mythical creatures" such as vampires and werewolves.

Taken all that into account, will the teenage girls that have the 8 copies out at the local library please return them so some of us "old people" can read them?! GEESH! I know when I was a teenager I had a lot of better things to do than read!

Surviving a Birthday Extravaganza!

Well we are finally winding down on the birthday week of celebrations. John had his 5th birthday party today so Mark could be here to help and be a part of the celebration. I am proud that I made 3 dozen cupcakes and 3 round cakes over the course of 5 days. Of course I would have liked to decorate them better than I did, but they sure tasted good. We have a little bit of cake left over which I am sure won't go to waste with the boys. John was amazed that he got a bounce house for his birthday. I am pleased at my negotiating skills and getting the owner to come down on the outrageous price he was asking to something more reasonable. I figure we both won out. he got some business and I got a happy birthday boy.

Overall, it was a highly successful birthday with lots of testosterone. There was one little girl who was hear and she felt quite outnumbered with all of the Jedi fighters. You see, it was a Star Wars party, so even though she got to be Princess Leia she was still outnumbered!

I am glad to be done with all of the celebrating. However, my mom flies back to So. Cal this coming Sunday and I know I will miss her. I have really enjoyed her visit and have had a lot of fun with her being here. I know it won't be long till she is here again, but I know everyone will miss her. We love you Nana!

New Blog Background

So I have been blogging for about 10 months now and I just figured out how to change my blog background thanks to my friend Katie. I love the blog site that has free blog templates to use. Please check them out at www.thecutestblogontheblock.com and get a free blog template if you haven't. I like my new template and look forward to changing them more often now that I know how to do it.

Thanks again Katie! :-)

Frankie's 1st birthday

Well it has been a year since the birth of our baby girl. I can't believe the time has come for her to be 1 yr. old. I am so overjoyed at having such a precious baby girl, and praise God for the gift of being her mother. She is such a gem to be with, and her smile just melts your heart.

Though life may be hard at times, and may look bleak at others, one look at her and she can change our outlook on everything. Thank you Frankie for giving us the reminder that a child's innocence is truly heaven sent.

Breaking the Silence

Well it has been 2 months since I last blogged. No my computer was not broken. No my mind wasn't blank, or on a vacation. I just didn't know what to say. Sure I say plenty of things to plenty of people everyday but I like to think of my blogging as different. I think of my blog as a way for me to express myself to those "few" viewers as a way to reach out, and connect on a deeper level.

I have succumbed to facebook and though I enjoy reading people's updates, I think it gives me a false sense of "security". I find that I write little blurbs here and there but am missing the big picture. The big picture meaning LIFE. Though I can't write it all down here I think blogging allows me a better way to write about my life then facebook; if only for the mere purpose that I am not limited in the number of characters that I can write when I blog.

Over the past few months we have had a lot of stress. Stress of Mark finishing his Master's Thesis, stress of finding full-time employment come August, stress of finances (never-ending it seems), stress of having little children, you get my point. I feel like a bottle trying to stuff it all in, meanwhile knowing that I can't keep it all under the lid. It is a vicious cycle of sorts!

Yesterday, Mark finished his Master's Thesis and we are all so proud of him. Now our focus and prayer is to find him full-time employment that he "enjoys" and can see a future in. It is hard to be able to plan and structure our finances if they keep changing. So my prayer is he finds something that he can stay doing for awhile....a long while! This way I will be able to budget better (I hope) and can work on our finances.

This is where I want to "fix" things and make it better. I have a hard time seeing the beauty of being a SAHM when I see us struggle so much financially. I want to be in the working world making "big money" but then I know our little ones will be raised by strangers and most of my earnings will go towards covering the cost of day care expenses. We have talked about working "opposite" shifts and that may still be a possibility but Mark doesn't like the idea of not having any family time. Now we have at least 1-2 days where we can be a family for some time. And then in the mornings when he isn't looking for full-time work or following up with someone we have that time as well.

A friend of mine had a quote from Mother Theresa that I fell in love with. "I know that God won't give me more than I can handle; I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I am hanging in there....some days are better than others. I guess you can say today is a good day. I pray tomorrow is better.

So thank you to all for all of your prayers! Keep praying because I know God hears them! Hopefully I can post again soon, with good news of a full-time job!

The Root of it All

So as my kids grow I learn so much about life, myself, and the root of where all problems stem from. I am convinced that selfishness is at the root of it all. From the early years of not wanting to share toys to adult years of not wanting to share time. It basically all boils down to selfishness. Right now my oldest son is in the throngs of, "I want my own" or "I don't want to share" and how does a parent combat that? I perfectly understand our natural inclination to not want to share. Who says sharing is fun? It means less time with your "prized possession."

On a different note, I try to instill in him the idea of being Christ-like and giving of ones self even when we don't want to. I try to impress upon him the joy of seeing someone else smile knowing that you made that other person happy. Sometimes it is little consolation when you feel slighted, left out, and not appreciated. Again it's another Christ like moment that I am reminded of. When Christ was entering the city of Jerusalem and everyone was cheering for him and then a few days later to see those same people wanting to crucify him or worse they had abandoned him. I can only imagine the hurt, disappointment, disgust, anguish that he felt that those closest to him, those that knew him and loved him had forgotten him. Those people being to selfish to think about doing the right thing, and supporting Christ. Instead they only thought of themselves and how it would appear to other people, so they were cowards and abandoned Christ. We see that everyday in our society. We see that even in our own families. We see that in ourselves. Knowing that I am flawed and those around me are flawed how can we teach about selflessness when we ourselves struggle with it? Is it the blind leading the blind?

Only by God's grace can I teach my children about selflessness especially when everything they see around them is all about "me, myself and I". Our motives for doing "good" are sometimes done to gratify us; our motives for doing bad can also be attributed to feeding this selfishness inside of us. Many a psychologist has written books all dealing with the self and at the core of the self is this inherent selfishness. Sometimes I feel ill equipped to handle these life moments no matter how little or how big the selfishness may be.

Yosemite

My hubby made this video of our day trip to Yosemite....yes you heard it....a day trip to Yosemite. We are definitely not conventional and are a bit out of the norm when it comes to our travels. Frankly, that's the way I like it! Our kids did very well being in the car the same amount of time we were in Yosemite. All in all, it was well worth it, hope you can enjoy it too!

Lazy Saturday morning

As I sit here at the computer, feeding my little girl, I am reminded of the essence of what Saturday mornings are meant to be. They are meant to be in PJ's till 10 AM. They are meant to lounge and be together recuperating from a busy week. My wonderful husband agreed to take on a last minute job this morning working for us to make some extra money. I love him for this. I love the fact that though he wanted to have a "Lazy Sat morning" he chose to get up at 5 AM to work all day for his family.

Some would say he is "over burdened" or "over worked" because we currently have only one income. I see a sense of pride and accomplishment from him knowing he is providing for his family. Surely we would love to be out of debt. Sure we would love to have more money in savings. Sure we would love to be able to pay ALL of our bills....but we have the basics covered. After reading a debt management book, I have come to appreciate the rule of paying your four walls. Now I am not "as stressed" about finances because I make sure we have enough to pay our four walls. It's not ideal but it's where we are at for the moment. I keep plodding along waiting, praying, hoping, that things will ease up. Unfortunately, I don't see them easing up soon.

So I try in my own little way to ease whatever burden I can. I let him know how much he is appreciated. I tell him how grateful I am for having such a wonderful husband, and the list could continue. I feel as though we both have been transformed by our experiences thus far and I wouldn't want to change a thing. Thank you my dearest hubby for working so hard for us!

God speaking to me

Well no I haven't been to Mount Horeb and received a bunch of tablets. No, I haven't been to Mount Sinai and heard any good sermon. I admit, I have been on the internet. How could something technological that can be used for such evil have God speaking to me through it? Well I am new to the blog scene and I have immersed myself in "good" blogs. The blogs that I prescribe to are wholesome, uplifting, Christian blogs that help me identify ways in which to grow and reaffirm ways in which I am unsure.

One area that I have reservations about is being a stay at home Mom. There is no "job description" that fits. There are no real "breaks" involved or time when I am "off duty". There are no bonuses to be had or a sense of "producing" an item. I have succumbed to the materialistic world view that I must be producing something to have worth and meaning. I am new to being a SAHM; however, I haven't had the luxury of being one since the beginning with my first son. So it has definitely been interesting learning how to be a SAHM with a 3 yr old, a 2 yr old, and pregnant with our third. The sacrifices that we make for me being home is immeasurable and downright difficult. Having moved I now am more a SAHM mom then I was a year ago. Last year I was out and about running a before and after school program but now I am home most days then not. It can be kind of eery, and quiet, or noisy and destructive; just depends on the temperament of the kids in the house. I am becoming more at peace with the idea of being a SAHM. I do see its value beyond the financial and am learning to accept the unseen fruits in which I am planting in my children. As one mom of a blog wrote, "I am a producer. I am producing the next generation; the next adult who may care for you, or may cure cancer. And that is the most important kind of producer. The one that makes sure their children are charitable. kind, loving..." and I could continue on. It got me thinking......how do we teach this to our kids if we only have a small window with them. I remember when I was working, we had a routine where we were up at 5:30 am, out the door by 6:15 (everyone was dressed) dropped off at the sitter by 7:15, picked up by 4:15 pm and then home by 5:45 pm. Once home we would eat something for dinner, take a bath, read a book and then off to bed. When does a child learn from their parents in this situation? Usually they aren't. Usually they learn about character, morality, virtue, etc. from their day care provider. Knowing this and choosing to still work was quite difficult and filled with such guilt. That is why after 3 years we decided it was worth whatever we had to do to have me home with the kids. Of course, I approached the situation from a financial standpoint. Now I think both my husband and I see it from a psychological, emotional, and most importantly spiritual standpoint that we never delved into. Yes, it is most difficult. Yes there are days when I wish the kids were being taken care of by someone else. Yes, financially it may not make sense on paper. BUT I know this is the most important job I could ever have. I know that my work day may not always be accurately reflected in products that I am able to produce, but I am planting seeds. I pray that I may live long enough to see those seeds take root and grow into beautiful fruit trees.

Continue to strengthen me dear friends and family with your prayers, friendship and support as we are on this journey. Your insights, and inspiration are so uplifting and reassuring!

'Tis the Season

Tis the Season to be growing in faith and striving to become a better person all around, right? Ya, I am the first one to admit it is quite difficult for me to keep my Lenten resolutions. One thing that Father spoke about yesterday during Ash Wed. is that we can't do it alone. If we try to keep the resolution by ourselves then we will fail. The idea is to put our trust in God and find healthier, spiritual ways to rely on God rather than on things, or better yet our own vices. One of my many vices is stopping at fast food places for "snacks" or for just a relief! I got into this bad habit with our first son. When he was itty bitty, it seemed like the only thing I could do to get out of the house was to do drive-thru baking and then hit a fast food place for some food (only time I could eat) and some quiet time (the car ride put him to sleep). When I had my second son just a year after, this same pattern became embedded! Now that my oldest is in preschool I have gotten into the bad habit of dropping him off at school and getting myself something to eat afterwards (and usually Michael gets something to drink as well). Or better yet I have used stopping at a fast food place as a reward for good behavior (a big no-no I know) too. So yesterday in all, how many times was I tempted to stop? 3 times! Right after a Moms Club meeting (the first one I have attended) I wanted to take the boys to McDonald's because it was lunchtime and they had been good. I stopped myself before telling them where we were going and remembered my Lenten resolution. The next temptation was after I had dropped John off to preschool. It had been quite a hectic day thus far, and I really wanted some relaxation and a smoothie. Nope, we went home instead. And my last and greatest temptation was as I was heading out the door late for tutoring because my husband forgot again (second week in a row) I was hungry, angry, and just wanted to calm down. I counted all of the places that I would have liked to stop at on my way to and from tutoring but I didn't. I am sure to many this is not a "real" Lenten resolution but I will definitely say it has me on my toes thus far. I would not have believed how many times I could be tempted by something so simple. The power of evil is real even if it is just going through a drive-thru; it has such a deeper connotation then it appears; especially if I can be so easily tempted by it.

Well that is it for now. We are working on a family prayer resolution as well and I will update how that is going. Must go and save Frankie from the boys. They are screaming Old McDonald to her and she isn't appreciative of their singing at the moment.

Qualities of Successful Parents

Qualities of Successful Parents

Posted using ShareThis

Take me to my Happy Place!

So here it is Monday morning, and I am already wanting to go hide somewhere! John wakes up crying after having peed his bed and wants a sticker on his chart. I am trying to calm him down and get a game plan of getting his sheets washed and himself washed and he launches into a full blown temper tantrum. It was like a scene out of the Exorcist. No joke! He was screaming, yelling, cursing, saying all kinds of mean, hateful things to everyone and it didn't stop putting him in time out. I thought to myself, how did this happen? What did I give birth to? After a good 45 minutes of this going back and forth to time outs and listening to all of his vile behavior he calmed down enough to talk. He told me the reason he carried on for so long is because he has a bad cough. Mind you I never heard the boy cough. I was surprised at my ability to stay calm during all of this. I can assure you if this had happened in the afternoon I would have lost it and he would be in his room until Dad came home! I don't know what to do with him. I find myself getting very mad at his antics lately and then guilty over what could be causing them. It's the, "I must be a bad mother because".....fill in the blank for any number of reasons. Michael on the other hand loves to play the hero. When he heard all of the commotion, he came downstairs and was quite compliant (mostly) and followed directions. He stripped his bed and waited at the top of the stairs until I was done talking with John. Frankie wanted to be held and didn't understand why I had put her down for a short amount of time so that I could multi-task with the boys.

In all it is 9 am Monday morning and I am ready to call it quits for the day! I am ready for it to be the boys' bedtime and have a glass of wine! But in reality I still have a LONG way to go. I know my attitude will determine how the rest of the day goes. Will I grind gears all day with my children? Or will I be able to find a happy coexistence? Will I be able to get any housework done today? Or will it be a day of spending time playing games, coloring pictures, and making a mess? When you write it down the choice seems simple.....spend the time with the kids....housework can wait. But when you stare at your house that needs cleaning, I think when is it ever going to get done?

I pray that I have the energy to do a little of both today. To clean what must get cleaned and to play for as long as I can play with the boys! I want this Monday to turn around and be better than how it started. After all it's only a little past 9 AM so I still have a long way to go! Hope your Monday is filled with joy!

I've Got the Joy Joy Joy Joy Down....

So lately I have been working on trying to do things with joy. Like trying to do the laundry with joy. Or better yet disciplining your 4 yr old with joy. Or even better....multi-task with joy. Ya, I don't think multi-tasking was supposed to be a part of it. It is hard to do this joyously if you put too much on your plate at once. That is the first lesson I have learned already at this joy stuff ant it's not even 8 am yet! However I will say there definitely seems to be more joy when the kids are asleep and I can get something done without interruption.

Today we are headed to Southern Ca for a family visit. This is my first visit back since we have moved. It will also be the first time back for the kids. I don't know if they are as excited as I am, but I look forward to connecting with family and friends that I haven't seen in quite some time. For now though, I am in need of a little preparation like making sure the house is orderly before going, getting tax documents in order since we are doing our taxes over this trip, and packing for our small family of 5. No biggie!

And as I do all of these things I am going to sing my little work song, "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! I've the joy joy joy joy, down in my heart to stay!" Now all together! :-)

May the joy of our Christ's resurrection bring joy to your heart today and to stay!

Small Victories

So having 2 boys so close in age is rewarding and challenging all at the same time. My latest challenge has been night time potty training. Both boys were potty trained around 3 years of age (PRAISE GOD) but have had difficulty at night time. I have bought the Good Nites for them and that seemed to be working pretty well. But I am sure as most of you know, they are expensive especially when I have a little one in diapers already. I was spending close to $40 a month on these night time pull-ups and finally I had enough!

A few nights ago, I decided to make it a game and see if I could get the boys to stay dry over night. Michael (my youngest son) was already staying dry pretty much. So I told them that if they could stay dry over night I would add a sticker to their chart where they earn a special prize or toy once it is filled. They both seemed pretty excited about it. The next morning the boys awoke and sure enough Michael was dry and John was soaked. Of course I praised Michael for his accomplishment. John was not pleased by this at all. He tried to tell me that he just went a little pee and wanted the same rewards that Michael had earned. I reassured him that we would play this game the next night and he would have another opportunity to win something. The next night we went over how we were going to stay dry and what we needed to do if we had to use the bathroom. When morning came, Michael was dry and John wasn't. John informed me that the wetness I felt was just sweat. Of course, I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit and feel bad. I felt bad that he wanted the reward so much he was willing to lie to get it. I told him no it was urine that I smelled and he would have another opportunity to win that night. Last night we went over what we needed to do and John informed me how he was going to earn his prize. He told me when he felt like he had to go to the bathroom he would and that he would stay dry. Upon waking this morning, both boys were dry! HURRAY!!! I praised both boys and we immediately put stickers on their chart. I think I am more excited about this then they are, but I am pleased with this small victory. I am sure there will be lapses from time to time but I surely hope we can get past the night time potty training!

The Serenity of Morning

This morning I was able to wake up when my daughter woke up around 5:30 a.m. Usually this would be quite early for me and it was indeed, but I felt invigorated. Why? Because I was able to sleep consecutively for almost 6 hours. That seems unheard to mothers who have small (infant) children. So I was able to lie awake for a bit without having my boys trample on me to wake me up. I got a nice relaxing shower and sent my husband off to work with a decent lunch. I have had almost an hour of uninterrupted peaceful serene time to myself. Ahhh......these are the days. Now all I need is a nice cup of tea to complete the morning. Oh wait! What is that I hear? Yup, the boys are now awake and there goes any serenity I had planned. But at least I almost got an hour!!! Praise God for the small things in this world! I pray that this serenity will help me be productive today. I pray that this serenity that I feel now will last until bedtime. I pray that this serenity will ooze into the hearts of my children so they can be at peace, and be calm throughout the day. I have so many prayers (and plans) for this serenity. Most of all, thank you God for this moment to be with you!

A Sigh of Relief

Well it is Monday morning, and no quarterbacking needed! The Steelers won the Superbowl!!! YIPPEEE!! Even the boys got into the action somewhat when Daddy yelled at a good play so did they. I wished I could have gotten a picture of all them waving their terrible towels. That would have been hilarious. At one point in the game, I accidentally woke Frankie up with all of my screaming. I believe it was the 100 yd interception return by Harrison. Can you believe that? I know Mark has been a Steelers fan longer than I have been alive (he likes to remind of this all of the time) but I am a well adjusted Steelers fan, having gone to school where the Steelers practice, how could I not be a fan? It is truly an exceptional moment in time if just for a moment to know everything that the team accomplished yesterday, and records that they hold. Enjoy being on top of the mountain because it lasts such a short time! I pray that the team can maintain a sense of humility about themselves and can compete as though they still want it. I remember we had a cheer growing up when we would play in soccer competitions and it went like this, "You gotta want it, to win it, and we want it more. You gotta want it, to win it, so we're gonna score." Ya, looking back it probably wasn't the best display of sportsmanship for a cheer but it surely helped focus us on what it is we wanted!

CONGRATS STEELERS!! You made us a very proud and happy Steeler family!

Video # 1

The first of many to come

Slide Show #1

So I am learning more and more about blogging and will continue to refine my skills. Here is an attempt of a slideshow. ENJOY!

Here we Go Steelers!

Alright so this picture is a little early! We are so excited about the Steelers being in the Super Bowl this year! Are you? More to come soon.....

"Slave" of Christ

So lately, I have heard of this saying and I think God is trying to tell me something. I am definitely being humbled in so many ways and as I am being humbled, I recognize I still have a lot more humility to learn. I am so blessed for all of the gifts that God has given me, and I pray that I can use them to further his Kingdom.

Recently, our family has been undergoing lots of trials. We are in the midst of financial trials and tribulations, health and well being of some family members are in question and we are called to rise above all of this as Christ did. I am scared at what lies ahead and am concerned about our future. I am concerned not just about our immediate family's future but the future and well being of so many people close to me. I look to my children and wonder what their life will be like when I am older. Will their life be better, worse, or the same? Will they rise above all of the trials and tribulations or give into them? Will they be people of deep faith or one that just touches the surface? What will they long for, and hurt over?

AS I give into my anxieties over the future, and our present situation, I realize that I am not being a slave of Christ. A slave would not concern themselves with such things. They would trust that their Master has a plan for them and would focus on doing their best job NOW. A slave would not focus on how they feel or what makes them feel good; rather they would want to please their Master being self-less to their own desires and wants. So as you can see, if you know me you know that I still have a LONG way to go before I am a "slave for Christ".