Reflections of Faith

This evening I attended a workshop to help prepare me for the new revisions in the missal. It was a good experience and brought back to me the essence of why I am Catholic. I am Catholic because of the Eucharist, receiving Christ fully NOT only in the Word but in the Body. I am physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally fed when attending the Celebration of the Eucharist. I also realized that without sacrifice there can be no thanksgiving. It is kind of a deep philosophical thought to think of it that way, but oddly so true.

How many times do people say how thankful they are for a soldier's sacrifice? Or how many times do we say we are thankful for the sacrifices of others so we many have comfort? I keep thinking of St. Francis' prayer that says, "it is in giving that we receive, and in dying that we are born to eternal life." I remember learning the concept of "dying to self" in high school by my Religion Teacher, Mrs. Ranck. She used the Greek term called "Metanoia". It was a fascinating concept to me even then in my youth and immaturity. I can honestly say I am still fascinated by this concept and still need to practice it.

Often I am consumed by distractions albeit whether it is thoughts or feelings; they tend to divert me away from spiritual growth and maturity. I used to think my family was the reason why my faith had lessened; in actuality, it is my family that has allowed me the opportunity to grow in faith if I should chose. I am continually granted opportunities everyday to view things as blessings or curses; opportunities for growth, or reasons to sin, etc.

Some days I still struggle with seeing the experiences of my past as blessings or things that have brought me closer to God. I don't know why I focus on the negative or the hurtful feelings that surround those experiences but alas, I can be freed! I am freed when I offer my sacrifice over to God as Jesus did on the Cross. I am fed when I accept his Precious Body and Blood completely within me though humbling saying "I am not even worthy for you to enter under my roof." Listening to the changes tonight reminded me how much I love my faith, and how much I still remember it, even if I just attend once a week. It definitely stirs up in me a longing to spend more time with our Lord and to stop using my family as a reason to avoid it.

Sometimes it seems like I am living a movie

It seems as of lately like I am living in a movie. I seem to see things as if I were watching them, rather then living them. I look to the past and seem to connect on the level as if I am watching a movie; I look to the present and feel very much the same way. I don't know when this occurrence took place and have no idea when it will change.

Life overall is good, nothing too troubling to complain about. It has been more stressful then I would like, and filled with way to many things going on yet so little in comparison to what I "normally" do. I feel guilty for not having the boys in art lessons yet, music lessons, and a sports/physical fitness program for M. But overall, I just don't know where I can squeeze another thing in. Another homeschool Mom told me the other day of a martial arts class that is during the day for homeschoolers. At first I wanted to sign the boys up. But after thinking about it, I need that school time with them, and really could benefit from a little less distraction then what we already have.

I am back to making my two week schedule of events. I leave plenty of space in the boxes to add more things with pen or pencil. I never would have imagined my life to be like this, and yet at the same time looking back how else could it not have? I was an overly busy child, so why wouldn't I be a busy adult? I know we have choices and we can choose to stop the roller coaster at anytime, I am just not sure when I want to get off or IF I want to get off? That is the question.

Here's to pondering on the simplicity of life, and what it would be like to not be so busy!

A Beautiful Day

Today six years ago, I gave birth by way of Emergency C-section to my second child. It was a traumatic event for both of us but we both survived. He is such an amazing little boy and is becoming a young man. He is kind and loving especially to his sister and Mother, and has a great sense of humor. His laugh is infectious, and he is a good sport. He is sensitive to others feelings and needs. He knows when I need help and when I need a hug. I love how affectionate he is, and he gives the best hugs!

Here's to a beautiful day celebrating you, Dr. Destructo!!! I am enjoying watching you grow, and learn, and become the very best person you can be. We love you very much!!

God speaking to me through blogs

It has been almost 3 years of blogging and I still have so much to learn. I've found some remarkable and truly inspirational blogs over the course of these past years and found God speaking to me through them. This latest blog post came from Rick Thomas on "pre-forgiveness." It was such an interesting topic, and one that I felt convicted to read since forgiveness is at the core of our Christian faith and one which I grapple with.

The idea of pre-forgiveness is not to forgive the sinner, but instead make things right with God. Usually when we feel slighted, offended, hurt, etc. we focus that pain and hurt on the offender. Instead, Mr. Thomas suggests to make it right with God before addressing the offender. If you are still hurt when addressing the offender then you haven't forgiven them. Indeed a perplexing issue. A part of me has such sadness over some of life's circumstances and when I read over that it reminded me that though my focus and hurt was on the perceived offender, it should really be focused in prayer to God. Mr. Thomas reminded me of the story of Joseph and his brothers and came away with some key aspects of why Joseph was able to reconcile with his brothers. First, he reminded his brothers that what they meant to do to him was to harm and was evil; Second, God doesn't mean to do harm or is evil; third, God's love and good trumps their attempt at evil. Finally the other key thing that I had grappled over and over with was the idea of reconciliation. Sometimes you can't be reconciled. Now in my particular circumstance perhaps not, though in reality the issues behind the need of pre-forgiveness are minor compared to what others were sharing on that blog. Knowing that there are way bigger issues that my perceived hurts was a reminder to me how much I hold onto my own hurts and desires. So I think I finally found my "key" to pre-forgiveness.......being able to see the Grace of God at hand with the circumstances that I am faced with, no longer harboring hurt and sadness towards a perceived offender, and moving on since the offender has no ownership of wrongdoing. In this way I know I am more at peace with life's circumstances and can work towards a more harmonious relationship with my God. I can truly now focus my attention and praise towards all of the graces I have received from this experience and continued experiences, knowing that though harm may have been attempted my God trumps all evil and means for good. I guess it's the epitome phrase of: is the glass half empty or half full? kind of attitude. I choose to see the glass half full. Hopefully tomorrow I can say the same.

Getting Down to Business

So here it is 10 days into the new school year and I am starting to feel a little relieved. Most teachers (and I am sure homeschoolers alike) probably planned, drawn up, had a idea of how they were going to set up their classroom. Unfortunately, I was not this prepared this school year. I had a lot of anxiety about schooling two boys on different levels with different curriculums, and how everything would fall into place. I remember feeling this way when I taught at the public school not knowing what my class would be comprised of, how many students would I have, their different ability levels, etc. For some reason though, I was more at peace with the uneasiness. I think I become uneasy because as "the Mom" I am supposed to have all of the answers, have a gameplan, know what to do in every situation, and be at ease with how to handle it. Homeschooling is definitely a humbling venture in the sense that I don't always know what I am doing, have a definite plan of what to do, how to handle life's situations, and experiencing differences in the children.

What is stretching me the most is rediscovering the differences in my children and how to make them grow with those differences. J is the oldest and we were able to forge a path last year on what it is like to homeschool; my expectations; having a set routine; and working dependently and independently. M is just starting this year and is at a lower grade level then when I schooled J. M is just starting kindergartenl and though he has a year of maturity on J from when he started kindergarten, I wonder about his developmental level and where he will be by the end of the school year. M is not familiar with my expectations; my set routine; and being in kindergarten requires A LOT more direct instruction which frankly I was ill prepared for. So over this past week, I found myself spending 2/3 of my time if not more with M than with J. J became resentful of this attention and started "requiring" me to spend more time with him either from his behavior, melt-downs, or "I don't know how to do this" statements....something I NEVER heard last year when I was just schooling him.

So over this past week, a few things have come together to help me in the homeschooling quest: First, F is in preschool now in the mornings. I am excited about the prospect of not having to entertain her as well as the boys and can focus on working with them one on one with my Mom co-teaching with me. What a gift it is to have her! Second, I was finally able to order the remaining curriculum that I had wanted from Catholic Heritage Curricula and feel more at peace knowing J will have a set spellling unit, grammar, language arts, and religion program. Third, J's laptop computer that we received through our charter arrived and has been set-up. J will be able to start his online Math program, and his online reading program to enhance what I am doing at home.

I started with a fair amount of doubts this school year not knowing if I was doing the "right" thing, and now feel more at peace with my decision. I take homeschooling one year at a time, and know that for this year it is the "right" decision for us. I am excited to see how much the kiddos will learn over the course of this year and can't wait to see their end of school results.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Sometimes it takes me awhile to really move on from something from which I am holding onto. But with every good grasp, it tends to stop the blood running thoroughly through your fingers and eventually the fingertips get numb. I was thinking of some of the positives that may come out of this whole experience and the one that came to mind is hopefully more stability for the kids. Over the past 3 years it has been tough on the boys watching their mother and father be together, and then not together with no rhyme or reason. I am hopeful that this experience will put to rest the father's tendency to stray and perhaps can put Renee to rest and move on with his life in a healthy manner. That is really the only thing that I can possibly think of that can be positive. Even if that isn't the case, I know God has a plan, and I am not in charge. I don't know what he could have in store for those boys, and I fear that they won't know either. Neither the father nor Renee had any religious convictions. How can one move beyond when you have nothing and no one to lean on? Questions that baffle my mind, and trouble my soul.

I am hopeful that I will find a book that will relate to the boys in some manner, some way that they can understand and perhaps hold onto where their mother is. I can not even fathom what they are thinking, the thoughts running through their mind. Their mom was just alive and is now dead; so sudden and unexpected. Again, I cannot even wrap my mind around it.

I will end these posts about Renee's passing for now. I often go for the overkill on things and this would be yet another example of how I am "stuck" on something. But I know she is all to aware of the seen and unseen, and is with us when we need it most.

A Dream Within a Dream

Last night as I was dreaming, it was kind of a deja-vu moment. I remember I was talking to Renee at her house, and she was deeply listening as she usually did. I remember I could feel her presence there and was comforted. She was her smily self and had some great feedback to give me. As we were getting ready to leave for our adventure it hit me, that it couldn't be Renee. I looked back thinking it was her sister Candace, and was reminded that no, it was Renee was with me. I did a double take, still doubting. I was puzzled by this because I remember thinking, "that's impossible" that she could come along with me on this adventure. I was reminded that she could always come with me and would always be with me on each and every adventure I take. I'm not sure where we went or what we did but I knew she was with me. I woke up feeling a little more relieved than the day before.

One of my favorite poems is by Edgar Allan Poe, "A Dream within a Dream." Often I find my life paralleling this poem......here it is below:

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

I can identify with this poem on so many levels; namely "the surf tormented shore"....the imagery of the waves pounding upon the surf washing it away, or better yet trying to grasp the grains of sand while watching it fall through my hands. So many great uses of imagery in this poem.

One of the things I remember most about Renee is her love of reading. She and Mark would always remark on the latest book they were reading. I was inspired to read the Twilight series because of her, and am the better "Cullen" fan for it. When I was upset about New Moon's direction she encouraged me to keep reading.

I know that at least I can connect with her in my dreams. It will be different to go to her house and not see her there. But I know it will be yet another reminder of how time is relative, and "all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream".

God's ways are not our ways

Lately I feel as though I am being pruned for some reason. With each snip, I know that I am being cut down in order to grow more fuller, deeper in union with God. It is a painful experience, one that I would not wish upon anyone including my worst enemy and sadly I know that things could be and will be much worse in the future. I can think of all kinds of nuances, sayings, catchy phrases that try to make some meaning out of everything that is going on and yet it doesn't seem to satisfy my questions and yearning to be at peace.

The other day I had a really good long talk with God. It was the first time in a long time that I could hear him. It was such a long awaited moment. I know for some they have never had the opportunity to hear God. I don't know what I would say to them or how I could explain how to talk to him. Shortly thereafter, I started my day doing my usual musings, and nothing had really changed except I was at more peace. This peace was short lived, however.

After a day of working and party preparations I came home to hear that my best friend had unexpectedly and tragically died. She has two young boys ages 8 and 7 who were away on a trip with their father. I mourn her loss, my heart aches for her children, and I question. I feel like I am right back to where I was just a few short days ago. I have so many questions it is hard to be at peace. "Be still and know that I am here." Sometimes when we are questioning it is hard to be at peace because your mind is racing, the scenarios storming around in your brain.

I keep thinking that perhaps my path is to be "more feeling" and "less thinking". I have a great love of Scripture, Catechism, and all things intellectually about our faith. I wonder when the last time I felt the faith. I am learning there is a difference, a different approach, a different way. Just like a blind man has to feel his way through the world, I feel like I am on this new journey albeit, blind stumbling along my way.

So the news of Renee's passing was quite shocking to say the least, and something that I haven't completely accepted. I keep thinking of different scenarios and if it was truly an accident. I guess I have watched too many CSI and Law and Order shows to believe in "accidents" anymore. I know their will be an autopsy and I pray that there may be some better understanding how a mother of 2 young boys could tragically and unexpectedly pass as she did.

My mind raced back to all of the many great memories we had dating back 25 years ago. It's hard to believe someone you knew for so long is now gone. She truly was one of the few people who knew me intimately; someone I could tell my deepest darkest secret to and would never tell; someone who never judged me or had anything harsh to say; someone I relied on in times of need. I am left with more questions. I ask myself now who will I turn to when I need to just be myself, my imperfect self, my ugly self with?

I think of what I will say to her boys when I see them at the funeral. Their father isn't one for nurturing, and though I know he is doing the best he can do, I am not sure that the boys will know that their mother is in heaven looking down upon them, being a whisper in the wind upon their backs. I don't think they will know that the little voice they hear is her talking to them, trying to reassure them that life will be okay. I wonder if they will remember her as the years go by or if she will somehow be replaced by one of the father's girlfriends.

All I know is that I can pray. I can pray for them, for their family, or for her soul.

As I lie awake at night the image that comes to mind is when she was 9 years old. I don't know exactly where we were, but we were laughing riding our bikes as we famously did everywhere. She was wearing a tacky purple striped shirt and jeans; her hair was long, blowing in the wind and I was trying to keep up with her on my bike. Naturally we were most likely coming back from Thrifty's our favorite hang out. She is a great spirit, a wounded soul, and someone who I trusted completely. Good bye Renee, I love you with all my heart and know that you will still be my shining star in the night.

When you don't have anything nice to say......

We have all heard the advice that states, "When you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all." I have been a little mute lately because frankly, I haven't had anything nice to say.

To say I have been busy would be a true statement, but overall I have been having an inward argument with God. Sounds silly doesn't it? How can you argue with someone/something you cannot see, touch, hear, etc? At the very least if it wasn't an argument, then I was plain mad, mad at God.

I have witnessed enough sadness near and far, have experienced death more on the periphery then directly, have struggled more than less over the past few years. After awhile I let these experiences embitter me. I know that this can be a natural inclination especially for those who may not have a faith in a Supreme being. Perhaps others have never experienced this type of struggle. As with any struggle it can make you or break you. I wasn't quite sure how mine would turn out.

I was angry at God for so many things....rational and not. I have so many questions of why.....why would he not want to save a mother who has stage iv breast cancer? Why would he not heal a mother with rhematoid arthritis? Why would a woman who lost her husband to cancer now get cancer to cause despair, worry and concern for her children? What about the couple who has three young children and the father has a terminal illness? I could continue to list on and on. I guess you could say I had my fill. I had my fill of people I know struggling, really struggling with real illnesses, diseases, issues, etc. It is hard to see God working through all of the struggling.

And one day as I was pondering all of the "whys" and trying to make sense of it all, a thought came to me. Why didn't God save his Son? He of all people was innocent of the crimes he was accused of. He didn't "deserve" to die by way of crucifixion or any death for that matter. And then like lightening it struck me.....to be an example to us. So I told God, okay, enough examples....I get it.

Truly this revelation brought me to my knees in prayer, in hopes of trying to make sense of all of the suffering, chaos, struggles that I seem to be so keenly aware of. One thing that struck me is by giving of ourselves we can better appreciate joy in times of sorrow. I see this in my friend with cancer. She gives so much joy to those around her near and far and she is thriving a lot better spiritually than me. Truly she is an example to me and so many people that know her.

So for now I hope to be less mute and have nicer things to say to those near and far, and especially to God.

Birthdays and the birthing process

Well it has been some time since I last updated my blog. I would like to say I was quite busy and just didn't get around to sitting down for any length of time to write, but that wouldn't be completely true. I have had a lot going on for sure, but most importantly have been pre-occupied with so many things on my mind that I almost feel crippled at times. This last week I was given a little reprieve from all of the thoughts in my head and was able to focus on my DH's 40th birthday.

We started the birthday week off with his parent's visiting for a few days. We had a family BBQ over at our house with all kinds of good food. I know DH enjoyed the time with his family as it is not the norm, and enjoyed telling stories which he is quite good at. Following the BBQ with family, we had another BBQ with our dear friends (they're like family to us). They are the best at hospitality and would sincerely give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. It has been such a blessing to have friends like that. When we first moved here we knew only one other family. So to now have friends who you consider as family is a real blessing. Our BBQ ended late with the following day being Memorial Day. on Memorial Day, DH decided to have his celebratory meal at a local Chinese restaurant and treated the family to a movie (something we had hoped to do with his parents while visiting, but it didn't work out). So after the movie we were all tired from such a busy week and headed home for bed.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful besides the usual chaos of meetings, school, chores, etc. Friday came and we were getting our gear ready for our trip to Yosemite, when a friend of mine texted me that she was starting to have contractions. I didn't think much of it because she hadn't really had "any" contractions to this point, and I figured she still had time.

I kept my phone by the bed in case anything came of it, and we still planned our trip for Yosemite in the early morning. Our alarm went off at 4 am, and we were on the road by 5 am. We were in Stockton when she texted me and said she was headed to the hospital. Her contractions were 8 minutes apart and she was moaning from them. Then I thought, perhaps today is the day! She didn't want us to cancel our Yosemite plans and told me to just go ahead, she would be fine. I knew though, she wanted a VBAC, and knew no one else who had one except me. She also conveyed that she didn't really know anyone who had a natural birth and I had as well. I gave her all kinds of information early on in her pregnancy to give her the confidence and data to support a VBAC but sometimes it's nice to have someone there.

I asked my DH what he wanted to do. My first commitment was to him and his special day. He looked at me and said, "I have a whole year of 40s to celebrate; this is one day and I know she would like you there." I was touched at his caring for this woman and for her birth, and how he was self-less to give up his special day. We turned the car around and he headed to the hospital. He dropped me off at the hospital a little after 7 am where I met my friend in the triage.

She seemed in good spirits and as in most cases her labor had stalled when she entered the hospital. She was smiling and had a great sense of humor (two things women DO NOT have when they are in active labor). I was reservedly optimistic and was trying to think positive for her. The doctor came in and checked her. Sure enough her hind bag of water started to break and she wasn't even dilated. This is not the news you expect to give a woman who entered a hospital wanting to have a VBAC. The doctor said to start her on pitocin, which is usually not advised with VBACs. I tried to hide my concern and kept thinking positively until I couldn't anymore.

During this time, I encouraged her to use the bathroom often, trying to walk as much as she could (she didn't have "open access" to walk because she was on pitocin and had to be monitored at all times). Further she used her birthing ball to sit on and move around with. After about 2 hours on the pitocin she started having harsh contractions. I explained the monitor to them and showed them which was her contractions and which was the baby's heartbeat. Usually natural unmedicated contractions are gradual with a build-up, plateau, and then a decline. With pitocin contractions, it goes from the bottom to the top in no time and sharply comes down with no real indication. This again is not the ideal for a woman who wants a natural childbirth. She decided after 20 minutes of these types of contractions she needed pain medicine. I advised for her to be checked in case she was dilated further that would be a better indication of whether to have an epidural or not. The nurse checked her and said she was dilated only to a 2. Again not the news we were hoping for. The nurse advised pain medicine through the IV and that she would cut back the pitocin drip. After about 30 minutes, my gf seemed to be more at ease and we really took this time to work on relaxation techniques and pressure points. I could tell with each contraction, she was trying the visualization exercises I was giving her, and seemed to be more focused. At around 2:20 she mentioned feeling "wet" and I figured it was from not getting up to go to the bathroom in a while. At 2:40 she was in a fair amount of pain and wanted an epidural. I knew that her nurse was going off shift at 3 pm and would be in to check on her before leaving. I suggested to wait for the nurse to come in a few minutes and that was met with a clear, "NO!" So the nurse came in, and checked her and she was completely dilated!! What an amazing thing the body is. To go from a "2" dilation around 12:30 to fully dilated at 2:45. This was the news we needed in order to have a VBAC.

Tears swelled up into my eyes as I knew we were in the clear for the first stage of labor (complete dilation) and now we were onto stage 2....a good stage to be at! At first when she heard she was fully dilated she was relieved that the pain she was feeling was for a real reason, the baby is coming. But then the doubt of how to handle the pain without an epidural also came to mind. She was unsure and didn't know how she was going to have this baby. One of the things that I noticed, when we were doing our visualization exercises, is she took great comfort from prayer. So I suggested she pray during this part of labor and helped her recite the prayer she was most comfortable with that she had said earlier on.

Now I don't know about you, but I can attest that I wasn't saying prayers when I was in transition! I don't remember cursing either, but I know that prayer didn't come to mind at that very moment. Hearing a woman pray as she was transitioning, beginning to push the baby out from within her was a grace filled moment. I saw a confidence come over her at the moment she felt the baby move between her pelvis. She could feel him and knew she could bring him into the world. She was no longer moaning, doubting, or praying out of fear. She was focused, determined, and knew exactly what she had to do. After about 30 minutes of pushing she welcomed her baby boy into the world. As the babies head emerged, he was crying, eyes wide open. He was alert, pink, head could go up, and even sneezed! He was quickly wiped off and placed on her chest where he nuzzled in and stopped crying. His eyes were wide open looking all around moving his head side to side, while on her chest. The medical professional's all raved as to how alert he was, what great color, and amazed that she could have a natural baby.

This was my first coaching experience. I wasn't sure how it would go, and didn't want my expectations to take over what she had envisioned. I remembered the cues from all of the books that I read that stated simply, "If a woman truly wants pain medicine, they will ask for it; if they want comforting and support they will say, help me." When she asked for the pain medicine she got it. She asked for the epidural and though I had reservations about it delaying her labor, leading cause for C-sections, etc. we called for the nurse. When the nurse said she was fully dilated I knew she could have this baby, and could have the baby naturally.

At 3:41 pm, MS was born, fully alert, awake, and knew he wanted his Mommy.

This experience confirmed for me everything I thought about birth and the birthing process. I was most thankful to the hospital staff to give my friend the time to labor without a lot of interruptions; to listen to her needs; and to support her birthing team. I don't understand why 1 out of every 3 women have C-sections. I don't understand the general theory, "once a C-section always a C-section." New guidelines have surfaced about the need to let women labor before having a C-section instead of planned C-sections. Yet so many women opt for a scheduled C-section.

Another thing that I witnessed that helped confirm my passion for the birth process was watching my gf get out of bed less than 2 hours after giving birth going to the bathroom. I know that if she had had an epidural she would have a catheter in still; and if she had a C-section she would still be in recovery or just getting to her room not to be out of bed for several more hours. Further she wasn't loopy on pain med.'s either. She talked coherently and had her usual dry sense of humor in no time. I know that if she had an epidural or a C-section the baby would not have be borne so alert latching on within the first few moments after birth. How come this isn't a factor, or enough of a factor for women to consider? Yes the pain of childbirth is intense, and it hurts, but it is also over relatively quickly when considering the recovery time of a C-section.

I think C-section has it's role in the birth process but I think we have given it a larger role than medically necessary. We have opted for convenience rather than safety more often than not; we disguise this convenience by telling women horror stories about if they decide to go ahead without a C-section this _____________________ will happen (you fill in the blanks).

I had an OB tell me that he wouldn't deliver any babies more than 9 lbs unless by way of C-section because they're head is too big to fit through the pelvis. I know I shattered that misconception by giving birth to a 10 lb 1 oz baby with a head size of 15 in around without any pain medicine. And truth be told he was the easiest birth for me. So the theory that the doctor is always right doesn't hold up either. I think it's important to research, educate, and pray about your decision on how to birth. Equip yourself with people who will support your desires and will stand up for you when you aren't able.

I truly felt honored and blessed to be a part of such an amazing experience. Watching new life enter this world is remarkable especially when it can be a grace filled moment. I pray each and every woman I know having a baby over the next few months can have a grace filled moment with their birth too.

Celebration or Ciesta?

Well we have made it to the Easter Octave and celebrating during this Easter season would be wonderful! The weather has been splendid; hubby has been off of work for this past week; and we have continued our break from homeschooling till hubby goes back next week. I'm not looking forward to the next 6 weeks of schooling because it is the hardest part of the year to school. The kids as well as the teachers want to be done, and the weather is just begging you to be outside. I am hopeful we can do some schooling park days, library days and we have some wonderful field trips planned.

On a different note, I have been ignoring some clear signs that my body is in distress. It appears that my digestive system is on the fritz and has been for quite some time. At first I would chalk it up to something I ate, or overeating perhaps, or even eating the wrong types of food. Knowing that I was in discomfort, I didn't do much to change my eating habits nor did I seek any additional attention to be paid to it. Three months go by and I am now facing severe pain and anxiety over the thought of eating. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think I could have such strong willpower against eating as I have now. Two weeks before Easter I started having severe pain throughout the day and then the pains would become excruciating after eating. I would wake up several times throughout the night in pain, clutching my stomach, breathing deeply, crying from the pain. This went on for about 12 days. Finally, I stopped to think about how I would make the trip to Southern California in such pain. So the day before we were supposed to travel, I decided to seek medical treatment, to get this "condition" quickly treated. I figured a good high dosage of antibiotics would do the trick. But after 10 hours of seeking treatment I came away roughly the same as I had started. I was able to get some antibiotics but they didn't seem to help me much. After being on the antibiotics for 3 days the pain lessened to a moderate to severe level depending on what I chose to eat.

For Easter dinner I had 2 pieces of asparagus, 4 bites of salad, and 2 tablespoons of green beans. I remember being in pain for most of the evening because I decided to eat. I look at food and am seriously hungry but I worry about the pain it will cause me. It really has helped instill in me a sense of willpower when pain became involved. I never had willpower before but now I do. For months I had ignored the little signs my body was trying to tell me, until I could no longer ignore them.

Upon traveling back from our trip I was more convicted to find something homeopathic to help me. I knew it would be awhile before I could get in to see a specialist and the thought of taking my gall bladder out didn't appeal to me. Besides, I have doubts that it is my gall bladder acting up. I think it may be my pancreas. But that's a whole other story. So coming home I researched some sites that gave me lots of suggestions on herbs, and night-time remedies to follow to feel better and to cleanse my gall bladder, pancreas, and liver.

First I went to the store and got some supplements for the gall bladder and pancreas. I took them and followed a different suggestion which was to drink 1/4 cup of olive oil with 1/2 cup of grapefruit juice until you have reached 1 full cup of olive oil (in other words repeat 4 times). It was the most disgusting stuff I ever had to drink and took every ounce of self control to get it all down. I went to bed feeling "oily" and beyond full. I laid on my right side which is where the gall bladder is, and slept the entire night. This has been a rare occasion for me. I woke up needing to use the restroom and wasn't bloated; again another rarity for me in the past few months. Over the course of the day I began to feel better and not in pain. Later on that day I was able to eat a lettuce wrap and not be in pain. Slowly I have tried different foods over the course of a few days and can honestly say I am not back to 100% but feel much much better then I did a few weeks ago.

I am grateful to my MOMS group who has been praying for me, and to my husband who has been by my side when I have woken him up to hold his hand from the pain. I know it is hard to watch someone in pain and not be able to help them; especially the kind of pain I was/am in.

So what have I learned from all of this:

I need to cut down (if not straight eliminate) caffeine to include chocolate; gluten; red meats; and dairy. I feel better eating vegetables, drinking broth or whole juices. I also can appreciate my body's way of telling me this now and will be more of an active listener when it tells me something isn't good for it. As with anything, this life style change will take some time to adjust to. I have already started by cutting back on portion sizes and trying to think of what would be good for me to eat instead of what I can't eat. It sounds like a trivial thing, but for me if I feel like I can't eat something then it makes me want it that much more; whereas if I can focus on what I can eat then I will direct my attention to that.

I guess sometimes I have to learn things the hard way. Hopefully I can avoid major surgery and curb this issue with diet.

Don't sweat the small stuff, right?

So it's that time of year where I am getting ready to register M for kindergarten and am looking into changing our health insurance in anticipation of more physicals and availability then the once a year visit we usually do. With that in mind comes the piles of paperwork that I need to fill out, have necessary forms on hand to copy, etc. If I were a super-mom I would all of this under control. But alas, I am not. I am scrounging around the night before looking for important paperwork, trying to make sure that my t's are crossed and my "i"'s are dotted. Needless to say it reminds me of the all nighters I would pull in college preparing for a mid-term or final. I guess I still like to "cram" it all in the night before. So in my years of worldly wisdom, what have I learned? I have learned that if I go unprepared then my paperwork will be incomplete until I can complete it; I have learned that even birth certificates can be re-ordered and "rushed" if needed. I have learned that pay stubs can be recreated if needed. And yes, I need all of these things! UGH! So I am going to get up really early tomorrow morning, and tear the house apart one more time to see if I can find 1 or more birth certificates that I need for tomorrow's meeting. Good thing I kept my appointment and not cancelled! If you are reading this, say a quick prayer to St. Anthony or any heavenly figure that my eyes may be clear, my nose attune, my ears open to all of the things that I will need by 9am. :-)

Following in his footsteps

So today after Church we joined some other young families and went to an outdoor stations of the Cross followed by a picnic. It definitely was a bit chilly outside but was a joyful experience to share with other families. I think about all of the many graces God has given me being a part of such an amazing Church community. As we walked to each station, I was reminded of the many times I had fallen down in my faith journey, and how I was able to get back up. One of the things that I am working on this Lent is fasting from facebook. For some, this may be a bit trivial, but over the past few months I found myself spending more and more time on this social network then necessary. My original intent was to completely abstain, not even go onto the site during the entire 46 days. Alas, I have fallen short of such a task and am trying to celebrate the "little Easters" during Lent on Sundays where I give myself permission to view but limit it to no more than 1 hour. So far that has been working. However I will admit I still am highly tempted to do an occasional view here or there when I am on the computer. Knowing this temptation, I have limited my computer time overall this Lent as well. I still use the computer frequently but have found days where I haven't even checked email or have gone onto the internet.

So I can completely relate to having fallen three times and we are just half way through Lent! I have so much to learn along my faith journey. Hope everyone else is growing in this season! :-)

Enjoying the Moment

As I sit here writing a brief entry, I have my precious little girl sitting on my lap half asleep. In this moment, I feel complete, whole, and exactly where I am supposed to be. I no longer nurse her because she is most definitely a little girl. I know in a few more years she won't want to climb in my lap to sit and cuddle. So I am enjoying this fleeting moment.

She is my shadow and wants to be near me wherever I go. If I have to do errands she is right there wanting to go. The boys could care less and most of the time prefer to stay home. I am not sure if that is a difference between boys and girls or if it is an age factor. She already likes to help me cook in the kitchen, and likes to clean by my side. However more often then not what we are cleaning together usually involves some mess she has made. At least she likes to clean it up though, right?

I look forward to having more enjoyable moments like these today.

Looking over the Family Schedule

For the past few weeks I have decided to keep a weekly or (bi-weekly) schedule up on the refrigerator so that everyone would know what was going on when. We used to use a dry erase board but other things wound up on there then schedule of events so I am hoping this will work out better.

As I look over the schedule I am overwhelmed with the amount of things going on. I ponder if I really need to write down the days and times I pick Michael up from school and then I remember when I booked an appointment 15 mins. before having to pick him up. So I think having it written down will remind me not to schedule stuff around that time. Where I am finding I have the problem is when people ask me "in advance" of dates and times and want a commitment "right then!" It is hard for me to operate like that but I still tend to agree not really knowing how this will overall impact the my week.

So it appears I have said yes to a lot this coming week and will have to try and scale down where I can. I am fortunate that I have a flexible work schedule...too bad they don't work graveyard then perhaps I could put in more time then! Now as to whether I can scale down the art lessons, rocket class, Valentine's Day party/card making, basketball practice/game, and Bible Study I don't know. I will pray that I can be at ease with this coming week and just take it one day at a time. Surely I will know when the day arrives what is of importance that day and if things need to be cancelled so be it!

Getting Ready for Game Day

Well it's that time again.....the STEELERS are in the SUPERBOWL again!!! When we first moved here two years ago, the Steeelers were in the Superbowl. We had a quiet night in our home, just Mark watching the game while I cooked and fed him. Each time I would look in on him watching the game something went wrong; an interception, a fumble, a safety....you get the idea. So this year I am content to cooking in the kitchen and making myself busy doing other things to let him enjoy the game without fear that somehow I may jinx them.

With that in mind, Mark is excited to host a little manly get together with some friends. I am hopeful that they will all have big appetites! I have had such fun planning all of the foods that I want to make. Just some examples: bourbon dogs, potato skins, layered dip with homemade tortilla chips, pepper bellies, and cheesecake brownies.

Hope everyone else is as excited for the big game! Wishing I was back in Pittsburgh for the pep rally and for all of the great fans partying!!

Are you ready for some football?

Month in Review

So It has been quite awhile since I last posted. As I sit down to reflect on this past month, I am reminded how blessed I am to have such wonderful friends who are like family to me. Earlier this month I was blessed to have my good college friend come for a visit to see me and her God-daughter Frankie. Though the last time she saw Frankie, she was barely one, Frankie took to her so quickly, and even fell asleep in her arms. Our visit together was wonderful and Margaret got to see just how busy a "stay at home" Mom (who is rarely home as my husband likes to add) can be. I am hopeful we can have a girls weekend away come summertime.

Later on in the month, my Dad surprised me with an upcoming ski trip in February. He will make a quick appearance and hopefully we can have some good father/daughter time skiing like we did when I was younger. We both have fond memories skiing and have hot cocoa afterwards. After skiing we are hopeful to take the kids somewhere to play, either indoors or outdoors.

Next it was onto John's latest enrichment class, rocketry. Every since John was "little" (he still very much is little) he has seen his older cousin shoot off rockets. We have video footage of the boys being in awe at the sight of the rockets taking off and loving it. As a homeschooler, John has the amazing opportunity to take "classes" that teach the fundamentals of rocketry starting with key concepts of aerodynamics, propulsion, force, etc. Did I mention he is 6? At first, he was a little shy being a class that is geared for older kids. But once he was engaged, he LOVED it. This week's assignment is to build 5 paper rockets which he could correctly demonstrate how to do for me with the teacher's supervision. We began the series of rocketry first at the IMAX theater with a movie on the Hubble satellite in 3D. I am enjoying this enrichment he is able to receive and know that he is getting a great foundation in the Sciences as well as in other subjects. We are almost done with the second quarter and look forward to starting the third quarter knowing it will go by quickly especially as the weather gets nicer.

With everything going on around here, I wasn't able to focus too much on what is going on ahead (with the exception of my Dad's trip coming up in 2 weeks). So when my dear friend and I sat down last week to discuss the pinewood derby tomorrow she was horrified that I hadn't started building the car yet. Of course, never having done one, I didn't understand just how much "work" and effort went into a project like this. This is where homeschooling did have it's advantage because we were able to spend some time on it during the week where as if he was at school there would not have been time. Overall, I am pleased how the car turned out. Or should I say the tank? In honor of Mark's service, we went with an Army tanker. Hoo-ahh! Both boys are extremely proud of Mark's military service and like the idea of being a "soldier".

So tomorrow is the big race day, and it also happens to be Mikey's picture day for basketball. I really dislike it when we have multiple events going on at the same time. I like the family to be able to be together for these events but I am trying to be a trooper. Mikey's game should be over before John's race so I am hoping they will still be able to see John race if he beats out some of the competition. Never in a million years would I have envisioned myself to be participating in a pinewood derby race. The things we do for our children! I know John will enjoy racing his car for many many months to come, and will treasure the work he put into it.

This has been a busy month. Can't wait to see what February brings!

Goals and Resolutions

It's always good to have goals and resolutions but can be depressing when you don't reach them. A quote that I love to remember is, "it is the darkest right before the dawn" meaning we often fall short of our dreams and desires right before we find ourselves achieving them or at the very least right before we realize God is calling us in a different direction. This past year I found myself many times in the dark; not really sure where God was calling me, what it is I am supposed to be doing, how to get out of the darkness that enveloped me. Starting off this New Year, I am not making big promises, or big resolutions. I am making simple changes one at a time. I feel renewed in mind, body, and spirit, and feel as though I am at a better place to handle various situations that come my way. In many ways, my life is still the same as it was last year. But in some way I feel as though I have changed. I feel more equipped to take on life's challenges. I have a stronger desire to try new things and be a better leader for my family.

One simple change is to make a commitment to do a 5K every other month. There are so many races in the general area that it is easy to find one that works with this resolution. Since completing my half marathon I have more confidence in completing races. So keeping with this mind, body, soul dynamic that is my one body resolution.

I am still trying to hash out my mind/soul resolutions as I can complicate those to where it is impractical and unattainable. I have so many desires of what I would like to do for me, for my family, for my friends, that it clouds the most important thing, my relationship with God. I do know that I seem to start out with a good mindset of change, and somewhere around February/March it starts to dissipate and I become dissatisfied. I hope I will have enough insight to look back on previous posts so that I can be reminded this is a "season", one in which that won't last long.

I can have all the goals in the world and all of the desires to do so many good things, but if I am not listening to what God wills I can achieve nothing except frustration. Trying to keep that in mind as I go about this new resolution period.